When relocating abroad with children, we often overlook the psychological effects of such a significant transition. However, children are equally impacted by this change. What are the key considerations for preparing your children for a new life in a new country? What are your options in case of major challenges?
Children also experience the expat blues
The term "expat blues" is well-known among psychologists and refers to the complex emotions associated with moving countries, such as anxiety, fatigue, sadness, and loneliness. Expatriates may also experience physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, joint pain, and stress rashes. It is commonly believed that these challenges only affect adults, but children are susceptible too. Psychologists recognize this as "expat child syndrome."
Expat child syndrome involves emotional stress from moving abroad, manifesting in sadness, exhaustion, loneliness, and homesickness鈥攕ymptoms similar to those experienced by adults. Young children might struggle to articulate their discomfort, often exhibiting it through sudden behavioral changes. Pre-teens and teenagers, still in developmental stages, can be particularly sensitive to expatriation, which they might see as a destabilizing disruption.
Support strategies for expat parents
To assist children and teenagers in overcoming the stresses of expatriation, begin by fostering open dialogue during the travel preparations. Involve your child in the process appropriate to their age. For teenagers, seriously discuss the prospect of their relocation. If they are strongly opposed to moving, consider whether they could stay with family members instead. Plan for their integration into the new country, such as making connections with local families. Ideally, arrange for your children to arrive a few weeks before the school year begins in the host country to allow them time to settle in more comfortably.
Children's remarkable adaptability
A father who moved to Japan shares his experience: "I've never seen the children so motivated! They began learning kanji several months before our departure. My eldest, a teenager at the time, already had a basic understanding of the language upon our arrival in Fukuoka. The younger ones, still in elementary school, quickly picked up Japanese as well. It was astonishing. Six months after arriving, they had all mastered the basics... Meanwhile, I was still struggling with basic kanji... I was concerned the transition would be too severe for them. Instead, it turned out I was the one lagging behind."
This observation is common among expats: children's adaptability can be surprising. Many children show great enthusiasm for moving abroad, taking an interest in the new language, culture, sports, and activities well before leaving. Once they arrive, they integrate quickly. A mother who moved to Spain with her children noted, "I was torn between enrolling them in an international or local school. I finally chose the local primary school in our neighborhood. Within four months, they were speaking Spanish鈥攏ot just speaking but also mimicking the behavior of their classmates. I was astounded. Now, they effortlessly switch between Spanish and French and even manage some English!"
Guidance for expat parents
Striking the right balance can be challenging. Parents sometimes underestimate their children, overprotecting them in the belief that it better prepares them for living abroad. This can inadvertently communicate unnecessary stress. Conversely, leaving children to adapt entirely on their own, assuming they will adjust simply because they are young, is also misguided. A more effective approach is to tailor your support to each child's personality.
If your child shows a natural interest in the host country, encourage and praise their curiosity. Let them share what they've learned with you. If they seem hesitant, foster open dialogue and offer your support. Don't let them face their questions alone. Remember, the decision to move is yours, not theirs, and recognizing their feelings plays a crucial role in their adjustment.
How the education system in a foreign country impacts children
School is a child's first major socialization environment beyond the family, where they learn to become citizens. This underscores the significant impact of schooling on a child's development. However, education is also deeply rooted in history and culture, to which children are especially receptive. Living in a foreign country can influence this on multiple levels.
Initially, on an academic level, a child's school performance might fluctuate after moving abroad. This change is usually temporary, lasting only until the child adjusts. However, if the issue persists, it's essential to explore its causes鈥攃ould it be the teaching methods, learning difficulties, academic level, or classroom dynamics? Engaging in conversations with your child and meeting with their teachers can help identify and address these issues.
The school system also plays a crucial role in shaping a child's social interactions, worldview, and future aspirations. For parents, observing their children adopt new ways of thinking can be disorienting as they discover a "new child." It's important to embrace and support your child's changes while remaining vigilant; any concerning shifts in behavior should prompt further attention.
Addressing family conflicts when living overseas
Conflicts are neither anticipated nor desired, yet they can lead to separations. When there are no children involved, individuals may freely leave the host country. However, when children are part of the equation, their primary place of residence must be carefully considered.
You may not always be able to return with your children in case of separation
Managing a divorce in a foreign country involves dealing with local legal jurisdictions, as your usual place of residence shifts to the host country. Without your ex-spouse's agreement, returning to your home country with your child could legally be considered child abduction. In cases of domestic difficulties such as violence or mistreatment, it's crucial not to leave the country hastily. Instead, seek assistance from local help centers, which may vary in availability depending on the country. It's also advisable to contact local associations and your embassy for support.
Under international law, relocating a child internationally requires consent from both parents. If one parent disagrees, legal resolution through local courts becomes necessary. This raises questions about the operations of local justice systems, including equality, child protection, and recognition of joint parental authority. To protect your rights effectively, consider consulting with associations that support foreigners, a lawyer specializing in international law, and a lawyer familiar with the laws of the expatriation country.
Ensuring recognition of your parental authority abroad
Before moving countries, verify whether your marital status is recognized in the host country. Civil marriage, officiated by a legally empowered authority, is universally recognized. However, other forms of union, such as civil solidarity pacts (PACS in France), cohabitation, religious marriages, and marriages between same-sex couples, may not be accepted in all countries. If your type of union is not recognized, you could risk losing parental rights. It is crucial to confirm that your marital status and parental authority will be upheld in the foreign country before making the move.
Lydia shares her challenging experience: 鈥淢y husband received a job offer in Canada, and I quit my job to follow him with our daughter and our youngest, who was still in kindergarten. The eldest adapted well, but the youngest struggled. After three years, I secured a job back in France. [...] My husband was scheduled to join me at the end of his contract. However, at the last minute, he decided against it. I said, 'Okay, I'm taking the kids, and we're leaving.' That was when I discovered I had no legal right to do so. [...] Now, I have to go through the court system. I lost the job opportunity. Who will wait for someone stuck on the other side of the world?鈥�
Ben, another expatriate, shares his struggles: 鈥淲e were living together and had three children. Everything was fairly smooth until I planned to move to Spain for a job opportunity. Finally, I found a job I enjoy, where I earn more than just a basic salary. [...] My ex has been stable for a long time, and gaining joint custody was already a battle for me. [...] When I landed the job in Spain, I panicked. It's just across the border, and we live quite close. [...] But she refuses, claiming I prioritize work over the kids. I'm working hard for them. I considered quitting the job and staying in France. I thought about taking the kids with me. I know that's not the right move. Now, I'm planning to ask the Family Court Judge to help us find a compromise.鈥�
More tips for moving abroad with children
Before relocating, thoroughly discuss with your partner both the positive and negative aspects of living abroad. Assess who is initiating the move, whether the children are old enough to voice their opinions, and if everyone agrees on moving to the chosen country. Prepare for potential challenges such as separation, homesickness, difficulties in the new country, and issues with the children's schooling. Document your agreements and have them legally verified by a lawyer.
Consult an expatriation expert to better prepare for moving abroad with your family. Create a supportive environment from the start of your preparations. Maintain open communication, even if it requires extra effort initially. Keep in mind that not everyone adjusts to life in a foreign country in the same manner. Providing a stable and peaceful home environment can significantly help your children manage the upheaval of moving abroad.
