½ûÂþÌìÌÃ

@mrlugubrious

When you marry a Filipina, embrace the reality that comes with it. If it doesn’t align with your expectations, reconsider—because cultural differences can be challenging.

At the end of the day, your happiness matters. If you’re unhappy, it will take a toll on your well-being, and no remedy can truly fix that. So, make sure everything is well-preparedinsurances,healthcare,and thought through before taking the leap.

@mrlugubrious

I had the same experience when I was previously married to a Filipina and took her to the UK, I think it's par for the course I'm afraid, you have to lay down the law because you and your marriage obviously mean less to her than her family. That is why I am divorced and re-married now, but happily living in the Philippines with my new wife.

@impeccablelady

I got the help the family thing right out of the gate. I consciously send 1000USD/mo. That really takes a chunk out of my life. I drive an old car. Just think of what I could drive for a thousand dollars a month.That is not the problem. The problem is when she sends three or four thousand over plus the monthly staple without a word. First time it was seventeen thousand. Then she gives one of her girlfriends here in the USA two thousand dollars so she could buy BitCoin, Thats right giving our money away to her buddies without a word to me. I accidentally found out and now another four thousand dollars last month. This is not cultural. This is bad Juju no matter where you are from IMHO.I am just dismayed. I tried so hard to do the right thing for her and I feel betrayed..Make no mistake about it, I am always prepared. I bought my house before I met her. I could divorce her today and send her packing..but I can't see myself doing something like that to a person I have been devoted to for thirteen years. Terrible fix. I will know a brilliant idea when I hear it.

      .put your money in your name only.

Instead of asking a bunch of expats with varying thoughts, have you talked to your wife about this over the last 13 years? Who is in control? Obvious to me.

All I can offer is that you made your bed and sorry to be harsh but it seems like someone is taking the piss.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

An add on as I do I would agree with mugtech, keep your assets/bank accounts in your name as I do and we have a budget here, these days we give the family nothing as I learnt the NO word and while there is plenty in the safe it is budgeted out and the better half has control of the funds I ship here and we live extremely well and want for nothing but I'm sure if the better half had access to my financial life I might not be around, a sudden demise who knows,,,,,,, no need to put temptation in someone's face.

Cheers, Steve.

Thought I had a reasonably happy home and now I am very confused on how to handle my wife raiding our finances and sending them to her family in the PI. No matter what I agree to she finds it necessary to secretly send thousands of dollars extra, besides the thousand dollars per month I send to her family. It's terrible. I love my wife but I don't have it in me to be treated like this. Any suggestions. I hate this. I am too old for this.. - @mrlugubrious

If it's your money, it's called theft.

Will she love you when the cash has dried up?

Never ever give your wife control over your money. Keep it save under your name and give her only what you have agreed before. In my case 17k PHP.

The foreigner is seen as the cash cow, ATM, saviour in her eyes and the eyes of her family (which can be huge).

@mrlugubrious

" I could divorce her today and send her packing..but " then she is going to claim a big chunk of your real estate ect in the divorce settlement and send that to her family.

Golly Andy you give your wife P 17K,,,,,,,,Per week? Per month? Maybe we need to live where you do as we are P 100 to 120K per month and we own everything, we do live well though and would agree with keeping your money locked up in only your name,,,,,, Bit like our 2 Labrador's, keep feeding them and they will take it.

Yes the cash cow until one learns the NO word, works for us.

Cheers, Steve.

As a total git, I would book a holiday to ph so she can visit her family.... then leave her there.

Simply pay the hotel bill at 4am and catch a taxi to the airport.

You'll be sipping champagne in first class before she realised you've done a runner.

A git yes but most here know Fred.

Remember your suggestion could be reciprocal, your wife taking your wallet ID's and credit cards, passport and who is the winner?

The OP's issue needs to be sorted out in house and after 13 years? Who is wearing the pants?

Said it plenty of times the operative word is NO. Golly after 13 years of marriage one wonders the communication level and then asking a bunch of expats that probably deal with their own problems and get them sorted, we all do and part of a relationship.

Simply isolate the funds so you are back in control,

Golly to the OP, sending US 1K per month is BS as most here live on US 200 per month and work for it. ATM, gravy train, gullible comes to mind.

Good luck and hope you put your foot down with your wife, a good talking to is needed.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

As a total git, I would book a holiday to ph so she can visit her family.... then leave her there.
Simply pay the hotel bill at 4am and catch a taxi to the airport.
You'll be sipping champagne in first class before she realised you've done a runner. - @Fred

Thats the kind of thing Dick Dastardly would do to Penelope Pitstop. What a fiendish idea. But I like it!

Not heard those names mentioned since I was a kid Lotus but I get your drift and can be reciprocal at many levels.

Point is after 13 years?

Cheers, Steve.

As a total git, I would book a holiday to ph so she can visit her family.... then leave her there.Simply pay the hotel bill at 4am and catch a taxi to the airport.You'll be sipping champagne in first class before she realised you've done a runner. - @Fred Thats the kind of thing Dick Dastardly would do to Penelope Pitstop. What a fiendish idea. But I like it! - @Lotus Eater

I always wondered if Penelope liked Dick.

As a total git, I would book a holiday to ph so she can visit her family.... then leave her there.Simply pay the hotel bill at 4am and catch a taxi to the airport.You'll be sipping champagne in first class before she realised you've done a runner. - @Fred Thats the kind of thing Dick Dastardly would do to Penelope Pitstop. What a fiendish idea. But I like it! - @Lotus Eater
I always wondered if Penelope liked Dick. - @Fred

🤣

Get rid of her, the family sounds to be leading a much more luxurious lifestyle than you are and who exactly is this money going to. Cut out all the relatives besides mum and dad and get the money in your name only and if that means giving your wife an allowance of a few hundred dollars a month and nothing more, do it.

Change your bank/banks if you have to and get everything in your name only and do not give your wife access to your bank cards or details. I would also stop sending the 1000 USD per month at least for now and wait till it bites and the family feels the pressure. Tell your wife you need to give your friend a few thousand dollars to buy exotic reptiles or pimp their car and see how she feels knowing your giving money away. Don't do it of course but just get a friend to back up your story so she thinks you are giving money.

I know I have been taken for a ride in the past or at least ex girlfriends have tried to get money from me but I simply do not understand how anybody can send such huge sums to their partners family when they could and did survive before on or around 12 to 15K pesos per month.

Regarding Lotus Eaters advise about Dick Dastardly and employing sneaky, underhand tactics, I would get The Ant Hill Mob to partner him to provide a bit of muscle.

Some one else said it and I concur they were all doing ok before we foreigners came along, we stopped giving to the family 5 years ago and they are still alive and doing ok. The can we borrow and promise to pay back wore thin as borrow means give here and in 10 years never saw a dime returned, even Ben got the sh1ts and also learnt the NO word, they don't ask for years now and we live happily ever after.

It's not just a Filipino thing as I have mates living in many S/E Asian countries that go through the same crap and eventually learn the NO word, some even split with their partners because it seems expected, the cash cow.

While it's easy to give money away for frivolous needs it's a lot harder to make and replace especially if retired to keep supposed love taking the proverbial piss.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

       As I said elsewhere, I have a friend from PA who retired to Cebu with his Filipina wife, who is from Mindanao. She was tired of her family while still living in the USA.  They have a quiet, peaceful retirement with a sign posted on their house. "Friends Welcome Any Time,  Family by Appointment Only"

Thank you. Your all saying what I was thinking. I just needed to hear it from a different source.

@Fred

I would never do anything like that to anybody. It is probably cathartic to have those thoughts at some level, but I am not that guy...and you are not either I would like to believe....

@Fred
I would never do anything like that to anybody. It is probably cathartic to have those thoughts at some level, but I am not that guy...and you are not either I would like to believe.... - @mrlugubrious

We all believe everything Fred tells us.

We all believe everything Fred tells us. - @mugtech

I wouldn't do that. I'm a big, fat liar.

Being dispassionate is easy from the outside so, if I might be so bold, I will offer a humble opinion and suggest possible mitigation options.

She'll love the OP long time - 'long time' being defined as until the cash runs out.

1. Open new bank accounts and have all income paid into them.
2. Transfer assets from the old to the new.
3. Once assets are moved, remove yourself from joint accounts.
4. See a divorce lawyer immediately, making sure you have all the evidence of theft available.

When the cash dries up she'll likely go for a last grab in a divorce settlement. Seeing the lawyer now would be good prep as decent legal representation should get her claims kicked out before it gets anywhere near a courtroom.

The fact the OP posted this means he's aware and likely looking for a push to dump her, so I will end by predicting a bleak future for a faceless, impecunious man living in a tent under a bridge. This forgotten, unloved soul will eke out a wretched existence by begging for cash on the streets until he is released from his misery and fatigue by a sad, unmourned death.

The holiday in pH is looking like a good move.

I think the point is that 13 years married and couldn't work out the cab fare and the OP has been a member on this site for over 3 years and his queries have been answered here and other expat sites since their inception.

We hear this all the time with dudes being taken for a ride no matter country and I simply say to the cabby pull over if you won't turn on the meter.

Someone has to be in control from day one especially when it's your money.

A dilemma for the OP and as suggested it's time to man up and put your foot down, alternatively you can do as others suggest to simply move on, no need to bleed all your life.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve. 

hear this all the time with dudes being taken for a ride no matter country and I simply say to the cabby pull over if you won't turn on the meter.Someone has to be in control from day one especially when it's your money.A dilemma for the OP and as suggested it's time to man up and put your foot down, alternatively you can do as others suggest to simply move on, no need to bleed all your life.OMO.Cheers, Steve. - @bigpearl

Wot he said

Golly Fred given what you said in post # 12? And next breath with my post # 25 you agree with saying "Wot he said". A lot contrary but we are used to that with you.

You wanted the OP to dump his wife back in PH. without any idea her citizenship, who is actually the breadwinner and then the civil ramifications. Stay in Indonesia and keep slinging your proverbial diatribe there, not here. Leave your bias thoughts in Indonesia and stop throwing mud at other countries........ As we say? Get a life.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

Golly Fred given what you said in post # 12? And next breath with my post # 25 you agree with saying "Wot he said". A lot contrary but we are used to that with you.
You wanted the OP to dump his wife back in PH. without any idea her citizenship, who is actually the breadwinner and then the civil ramifications. Stay in Indonesia and keep slinging your proverbial diatribe there, not here. Leave your bias thoughts in Indonesia and stop throwing mud at other countries........ As we say? Get a life.

OMO.

Cheers, Steve. - @bigpearl

Cripes.

There am I agreeing with parts of your post and you still fancy a snide attack.

There's no pleasing some people.

Wot he said. All the regulars here are well of how quickly the wind can change.

OMO but simply the OP made his bed and lays in it.

Cheers, Steve.

It would not surprise me if the OP's wife had a partner in the Philippines and/or possibly is playing 'away from home' stateside. It's an awful thing to say but Filipina's can be incredibly devious. Not even Dick Dastardly would date them.

Might be worth employing a PI to check her out as ammunition in a future divorce.

A case in point:

Here in the sleepy Roman city of Bath I am wired into the Filipino community via my neighbours (Julian was interviewed by Mark Thornton just before his tragic death) wife.

Yesterday morning we were all having coffee in our favourite café W and I asked Julians wife if her best friend had a double. Earlier in the week I was walking back home from my local supermarket and saw her holding hands with a guy who was definitely not her husband of 20 years. I have met her husband who is a really nice guy and they have been running a care home franchise here for 3 years. Of all the couples this was a pair I thought were made for each other.

Julians wife blushed heavily on me asking the above question but had to confide in me what was going on.

As I have said before on this Forum nothing is as it seems in the Philippines and that includes repatriated relationships.

I can't recommend a PI to the OP as Jim Rockford does not take on infidelity cases.

Infidelity is a broad word with multiple ramifications at many levels but the thing is the astute human being with a little brain matter soon works out the trivialities whether a relationship or business in short order, the realities of what is going on and the implications with your involvement. Usually takes a few months and not years.

As for Jim Rockford? The OP never touched on the subject of his wife having extra activities.

Honestly? We all know that no relationship is perfect and at times we roll with the punches and grow into the commitment with no questions either financial nor fidelity. If they are an issue then you are in the wrong relationship,,,,,,, 13 years on? Some miss the red flags.

Cheers, Steve.

Infidelity is a broad word with multiple ramifications at many levels but the thing is the astute human being with a little brain matter soon works out the trivialities whether a relationship or business in short order, the realities of what is going on and the implications with your involvement. Usually takes a few months and not years.
As for Jim Rockford? The OP never touched on the subject of his wife having extra activities.
Honestly? We all know that no relationship is perfect and at times we roll with the punches and grow into the commitment with no questions either financial nor fidelity. If they are an issue then you are in the wrong relationship,,,,,,, 13 years on? Some miss the red flags.

Cheers, Steve. - @bigpearl

I agree completely and I honestly think that if this has been going on for 13 years at or near to the amounts the O/P says, that the total amount the O/P has lost because of his wife's skulduggery is the largest amount an Expat has ever lost that I have read about or seen on You Tube Vids.

Yes Cherry, eyes wide open with no blinkers.

The old saying? "Fools rush in" and many will wonder which head most think with....... or don't.

Cheers, Steve.