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dbrutter wrote:

happily ever after only happens in fairy tales.

I wonder how much of the problem is covered by that.
Perhaps people getting married expect perfection only to see their dream disappear as quickly as a bum blast's smell on a windy day when they realise their still in real life.

To the OP UKGuyinSaigon:

You started this topic 4 years ago, I hope that by this time, you've found yourself in a good relationship. But, just in case you're still floundering in spite of all the very good advice you had received (especially the excellent one from Saigonmonkey), I would like to add my two cents to the discussion.

FIY, due to your request for "some useful hints and tips from successfully married people", this reply comes from within a long, loving, and healthy interethnic marriage that has become stronger with every passing year and every hardship and life-changing event we had to endure (we've been through more than most people have ever had in their lifetime.)

- Treat your friend, date, or potential spouse (and finally, your spouse) as you would like s/he to treat you.

- If you don't want to be played with, then don't play with the other person's mind and emotions.

- If you don't want to be used, then don't do anything that might make the other person think s/he is being used.

- If you think sex is essential to you, then find yourself a sex partner instead ̣of a relationship partner. Not only Vietnamese women, but most women all over the world do not like to see themselves as part of a sex project.

- "How much time should you give it?" There is no deadline in a relationship. Take your eyes off the clock and the calendar.

- "How do you stop yourself falling for someone before you have worked out the goal compatibility?" You can't.

- "How do you know if, when a person says they are long term, commitment oriented, that they are telling the truth?" Listen, observe, trust both your logic and instinct.

- Money is important, but not the top requirement in a relationship. Nobody prefers poverty over financial security, but the term "financial security" doesn't have a universal weight. Asian women are excellent in stretching a penny, and they would be happy doing that in a secured relationship.

- "Being yourself leads people into heartbreak situations." How in the world did you come up with that statement?

- "Be yourself ultimately doesnt work and doesnt really mean anything." I beg the difference. I don't know how well you understand the term "be yourself", but this is what it means: being honest with yourself, knowing your honest feelings and your honest goals, then present that precise image to the world. The keyword is HONEST and yes, it works. Being yourself is not a thing that happens in "the current moment", but in every action and emotion. If your partner sees you in that light CONSISTENTLY, then there would be no room in the relationship for guessing, misunderstanding, and doubting.

- "If you do not sleep together before marriage, then you may find that you simply dont get on sexually." Did you immediately get on with everything and everyone in life? Education, cooperation, understanding, patience, more than a little give and take, and a lot of practice -- together, they work wonderfully well for the physical aspect of any relationship. Millions of people who were/are very happy in all aspects of their marriages did not have sex in mind before the wedding. I'm not a prude and have never been one, but here is a hint: if you kiss a woman a few times and feel absolutely nothing every single time, then you probably would never "get on", no need to jump in the sack to prove or disprove the rule. OTOH, if you're physically attracted to her, then there is a very good chance that the feeling can be enhanced in the long run. If this is the case, you shouldn't walk away from a potential good relationship just because she values her belief more than your practical routine.

- "If someone doesnt have much sexual experience then they are unlikely to be able to fulfil their partners needs and desires and will end up missing out on a good and fulfilling sex life themselves." Back to sex again. What is the role of the partner in this scenario? Is it also his responsibility to fulfil her needs and desires so he wouldn't "end up missing out"? Read back on my comment above -- Education, cooperation, understanding, patience, more than a little give and take, and a lot of practice are exactly what your imaginary clotpole needs.

- "Should we stick with our traditional family values or should we seek to be happy and is it possible to achieve both?" The two things are neither mutually exclusive nor inclusive. They're apples and oranges. You can be happy with both, or neither, or only one kind of fruit. Seeking happiness has nothing to do with traditional family value, while at the same time, can be one and the same. Be clear of your goal without justifying it with a lofty label. That, again, is related to the issue of "being yourself".

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I received some good advice from an oil company veteran project manager of many years, many projects and in many countries, when I was working on the Nam Con Son gas pipeline project around Vung Tau Ba Ria. He said:

"Keep it Commercial!"

Of course that was before I got married to my lovely Vietnamese wife.