Montaigne viewed friendship as a profound union where "souls unite and merge so fully that the seam that once joined them vanishes." Although expats might not seek such intense bonds, forming lasting friendships, especially with locals, can deeply enhance the experience of living abroad. Yet, forging these connections can be challenging. Unseen cultural norms can complicate matters, although making friends doesn't typically demand strict etiquette. Still, what are the faux pas that should be avoided?
Not showing genuine interest in the other and their culture
A genuine curiosity about local life opens doors to new encounters and exchanges. Many locals value expatriates who take the time to learn about and respect their cherished traditions. It's important to ask questions out of true curiosity and be prepared to listen attentively. Engage with the culture by participating in local festivals or exploring culinary traditions.
, a German expatriate in Thailand, shares, "One of my friends constantly compared everything here to how things are back home. It wasn't meant to be harmful, but it became quite exhausting. If you're always comparing, you might as well not have left." While comparisons can be revealing, it's more enriching to appreciate what's unique and special about the local customs. Adopting this mindset encourages residents to open up and share more of their culture with you.
Sticking to the "superiority" of one's own values
Often, expatriates ignite debates on sensitive topics such as politics, religion, and other delicate issues, which can make conversations uncomfortable. While it's natural to wish for universal values, like those associated with democratic models, to be universally embraced, this can lead to tension.
, who lived in China for five years, struggled with the country's restrictions on freedom despite being aware of them before moving. "The most challenging part was coming to terms with the widespread surveillance and limited internet access. I found it hard to build relationships with locals because it seemed I couldn't accept that people tolerated these conditions," he recalls. "However, conversations with colleagues gradually altered my view of people's acceptance and their overall mindset."
Encroaching on personal space
Many expatriates, eager to form close relationships, might prematurely invite locals to their homes, expecting similar gestures in return. , a British expatriate in Spain, experienced this firsthand. She frequently invited Spaniards to her home, often including their children, but noticed she rarely received an invitation back. She initially felt disappointed but soon realized that cultural norms around hospitality differ significantly. "In Britain, it's common to spend a lot of time at each other's homes, likely due to the weather, but in Spain, meeting outdoors is the norm," she explained. This cultural difference is also evident in China, where a French couple found that their Chinese friends did not reciprocate dinner invitations at home. In China, socializing typically occurs in restaurants, which doesn't imply a lack of esteem but reflects different social customs.
Not adapting one's communication style
Communication styles, including body language, verbal expression, and the handling of emotions, vary widely across cultures. Even when aware of these differences, altering ingrained communication habits can be challenging. Luis, originally from Brazil, experienced this when he moved to Poland. "I knew I needed to tone down my expressiveness鈥攕peak less closely, gesture less, and maintain more distance. It's tough to change your communication style drastically," he shares. For example, in Japan, being overly direct might be frowned upon, while in Germany, a lack of frankness could be seen negatively. In many cultures, pauses during conversation can be uncomfortable, yet in , silence is often valued.
These examples illustrate the broad spectrum of communication practices. While your unique style is valuable, observing and adapting to the local communication styles can help smooth out potential cultural clashes and enhance mutual understanding.
Practicing humor indiscriminately聽聽
While humor is a powerful tool for forging friendships, it doesn't always translate across cultures. There are many styles of humor鈥攆rom light banter and wit to more heavy-handed or dark humor, such as the "typically English" variety or sarcasm.
, who has experience interacting with Germans, reflects on his challenges: "I initially felt they had no sense of humor. My attempts at jokes often missed the mark. Over time, I realized that my French style, often laced with irony, didn't resonate the same way here." Moreover, using irony in places like Japan can lead to misunderstandings, as it may be taken literally. As the comedian Guy Bedos joked, "for some, humor is like a foreign language; it would require subtitles."
Ultimately, the key to making friends abroad lies in maintaining an open mind and practicing tolerance. While some linguistic and cultural barriers may persist, adapting your approach can help bridge the gap and enrich your interactions.
