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It is mandatory to have a lawyer for a divorce in Germany - and then you will get all the advice you need from him/her.
But in short:
- You can only divorce after a minimum of one year separation (meaning living separately).
- One lawyer can represent both parties, if it is a unanimous divorce. If not each partner needs a lawyer.
- The overall fee depends on your income and is not cheap - minimum three months salary.
- The family court decides how to divide the common assets (and without marriage contract, everything you earned or acqired since the wedding date is considered common asset) and also if and how much alimony must be paid.
- The family court decides about what will happen to the kids. For this, it will take in consideration the welfare of the kids (and from a certain age onwards also their own wishes). It will not consider the wishes of the parents - but it does of course help if the parents agree with each other on a proposed solution.
- In almost all cases, and no matter where the kids will reside, both parents will remain joint custody and both will have the right to spend a certain time with the kids. It helps tremendously if the parents cooperate after the decision is made by the court and arrange payments, joint decisions and visits accordingly - otherwise more court cases will follow.

So, I've never been divorced and I'm not so familiar with the process, but I can give some advice in terms of support. I've struggled with depression for a good chunk of my life, so I'm pretty familiar with mental health support in this country.

So basically, when you're far away from your family and the people you grew up with, it can be really helpful to talk to someone and get some outside support. In theory, if you have mental health issues you can't cope with on your own (whether they're caused by a diagnosed mental health disorder or events in your life that caused a great deal of stress), you can get treatment through your Krankenkasse. This means that if you have statutory health insurance, you're covered. Go to your regular doctor and discuss the issue. After they've ruled out any physical causes of your emotional distress (which, if you're going through a divorce, should be pretty straightforward...) They'll write you a referral for a mental health provider and possibly recommend some. You can also find a provider through your Krankenkasse. You will go there, they will ask you a few questions to see whether that's the right course of treatment for you and if they decide that it is, your treatment will be covered. Depending on how immediate your stress is affecting your life, your doctor may also write you off sick for a few days (don't worry – they don't have to specify why) to give you some time and space to heal.

Depending on where you live in Germany, this is easier said than done because the numbers of practitioners covered by the Krankenkassen are limited. In Berlin, it's super easy, but in smaller cities, it can be a lot harder to get an appointment. If you're not on statutory health insurance and have a private provider, mental health issues may not be covered, so check your plan.

When you're going through a stressful life event and don't have a good support network around you, you don't have to suffer in silence. Don't be afraid to get help if you need it

I recommend mediation with advice from a lawyer. This is followed by a visit to a notary to make the - hopefully amiable - results official.
But don't forget, even mediated and signed agreements concerning children can be fought afterward. This resulted in my case in an extended legal battle that ended in the unusual but very beneficial ruling by a judge to not decide the case for either party, allowing my children to continue to split their time between my home and that of my ex-wife. My children are to this day thankful. Which reminds me, custody is assumed to be split between parent since a change in the 90's by the Schröder government.

Beppi, do you have any idea on how long it generally takes for the divorce to be final, after the years separation and if there is nothing that is contested?

If it’ an amicable divorce and all the requirements are met, it only takes as long as the court needs to assign a hearing appointment. Depending on how busy the court is, this can be anywhere between a few weeks and many months. Choose a lawyer who knows your particular court amd he/she will be able to advice you.

Unfortunately, many courts and judges in Germany are overworked but it might vary greatly according to the location. I don’t know if it would be any different for divorces but in Stuttgart civil courts I have had quite some experience and the wait for a hearing was often 6 to 12 months. And often things are undecided and additional hearings need to be scheduled. And when someone is not satisfied with a decision then they very often appeal it to the next higher court… Personal experience with simple cases of someone damaging something in a house took at least 2 or 3 years. A business that owed me money declared bankruptcy and it took 5 or 6 years before things were settled. It’s a case of wishful thinking for anyone who thinks the German judicial system is quick and efficient.