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My best advise to you is move away,as i saw for myself recently that they have no shame at all.As went with my gf to visit her Dad in Bohol.Relative after relative came to get money from her,just because she has worked hard and got some where in life.I asked her not to give,however says it is their culture.Well just as well they did not ask me.
Some of their culture is not good at all.As they love to also chitter chatter and love noise.They do not care at all about their neighbours.Am told that is also in their culture.Others say only in the Philippines.
So my friend,before you go more madder,get away from them!As you will be broke!

Thanks dkcape. My mom already asked me to move back to Belgium. Actually, I just want to say what I want to say, but my wife doesn't want me to. Eventhough that's the only way to get them to understand.

For me, asking for money is giving away your pride. But what pride? Everything in Philippines is already Chinese or America, so what should they be proud about ;-)

Pedro1986 wrote:

Thanks dkcape.

For me, asking for money is giving away your pride. But what pride? Everything in Philippines is already Chinese or America, so what should they be proud about ;-)

Yes well said.It is unfortunate that they have no pride,with regards to asking for money,when most are so lazy.My gf,s relatives sit and watch the sea every day and bum off others.What a great life!

Pedro1986 wrote:

Thanks dkcape. My mom already asked me to move back to Belgium. Actually, I just want to say what I want to say, but my wife doesn't want me to. Eventhough that's the only way to get them to understand.

For me, asking for money is giving away your pride. But what pride? Everything in Philippines is already Chinese or America, so what should they be proud about ;-)

Hmmmm, That's just the way it is here. I go buy the philosophy, " Give a man a fish feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and feed him for life." That's why I never give money to the beggers. Unless they have some kind of physical or mental defect that prevents them from working.

Ìý Ìý If you continue to stay here I would recommend giving them advise next time they ask for money. That way you save face,and they'll learn to either accept your advise or stay away from you.
Never I repeat NEVER let anyone except your wife how much money you actually have or make.

Ìý Ìý I see the same thing in the USA if you go there you'll only see whites and black beggars. Weird since people from China and Mexico come to the US all the time and don't even speak English yet they can find jobs. It's just laziness bro I'm sure you got the same thing in your country if you think about it. Here it's just on a larger scale. Every family has some bums in it.

Good luck Bro. Hope this helps.

Hi.well this is one of those cultural diffrences,ormally you have to establish your point from the begining,best thing if you love the girl take her far from the family.i already told my gf i will take care only of her and her baby sister,but im not doing so with her family,you have to put your feet down firmly,if they dont like it well,im sure theres other millions of pinays waiting in line?follow your heart and insticts dont let it bother your mind,or your relationship will be down the drain very soon,thats my humble position,good luck,thats why i will not marry.In that i stick to the USA/boricua style.

expatfever said it nicely,but its true.

a smart member here once wrote" if u marry a Filipino u marry her tribe" how true but u must train them unless u have unlimited funds, this problem is undoubtly the biggest facing
foreigner in the Philipines, talk to any they all have horror stories or have learnt to deal with it, in my case I torerate
the family eating for free at special occasions 3 or 4 times a year, and we support in a small way the father in law, but noone else u have gotta be tuff no other way
Pete

The answer is simple, marry an orphan, or don't get married at all, because the family WILL be at your door with their hand out. They know no shame or humility. They will not work given the opportunity. The more you give, the more that will be expected. Unless you have this conversation with your fiance NOW, you're relationship is doomed. Let her be the bad guy with the family. She will do this if YOU tell HER the way it's going to be. Never, ever negotiate with the family. If they come to you asking for money, tell them to talk to your asawa. If you feel obliged to give them something, then set it out in stone with your fiance and let her dole it out.

KanoJoe wrote:

The answer is simple, marry an orphan, or don't get married at all, because the family WILL be at your door with their hand out. They know no shame or humility. They will not work given the opportunity. The more you give, the more that will be expected. Unless you have this conversation with your fiance NOW, you're relationship is doomed. Let her be the bad guy with the family. She will do this if YOU tell HER the way it's going to be. Never, ever negotiate with the family. If they come to you asking for money, tell them to talk to your asawa. If you feel obliged to give them something, then set it out in stone with your fiance and let her dole it out.

Yup good advice. I just returned from Manilla yesterday, and family members are now e-mailing the crap outta my wife for money since they saw how much money I spent while I was there. Wala Na, LOL.

Best answer I come up with for so called friends or family is, sorry I need my money for my family. They usually understand this, and if they don't tough

They do that especially if you are a foreigner and that's cos they believe foreigners are rich.Good luck

You do need to be careful on how you handle it, best to let your wife/GF deal with her family. My friends wife couldnt say no to her family so he finally got pissed and said no more, but not very diplomatically. Now they threaten his life, which is something to take seriously here.Ìý So deal with it carefully.

Thanks I believe that this is something to take seriously. I heard that yesterday in the city of my wife's family, a barangay captain or something was shot during bright daylight (4-5 pm). When I stay there, very regularly, I hear shooting

On the other hand, I'm not afraid Right now, I want to stay in PH, but if they would even dare to threaten, we're moving the next day and there will be no piso for them. And then I wouldn't care for the reason.

If they need money, as a last resort, they can always sell peanuts on the bus or at the side of the road.

I always say, if you need to ask for money but you're not yet suffering extremely, you have tried hard enough.

Life is cheap and saving face is priceless. A owner/manager of a hotel we stay at in Baloy was killed by a former employee for disputed termination benefits.

Most problems can be avoided if you set the rules from the begining,if you feel unconfatable in any relationship you must get out while you have a chance,once someone threntens you its time to move on.Its the inicial agreement that really matters,good luck.

hello:
Ìý Ìý Ìý Ìýi am a american living with a filipina girl her on negros island...but i close the door on her family..its only up to me "if" i want to spend any money on them...i am not their "cash cow" never never never...i know how filipinas have their hand out for your money...but its your money and do what u want with it...any questions "please ask"
regards
joe clough

you mustÌý makeÌý itÌý clearÌý when you first start theÌý relationship, aboutÌý theÌý moneyÌý situation, butÌý theirÌý mustÌý beÌý limits, i don't careÌý howÌý much you have, makeÌý itÌý clearÌý howÌý you will help orÌý howÌý you will notÌý help

lots of very very goodÌý information hereÌý Ìýbut alsoÌý Ìýlets not forgetÌý that if your wife had of married a a pinoyÌý Ìý the mommentÌý they got marriedÌý Ìýher debt to the familyÌý and her responsibility is overÌý Ìý Ìý your new family and your lifeÌý beginsÌý Ìýand if u can help a littleÌý every now and thenÌý Ìý thats fineÌý ÌýbutÌý no meansÌý noÌý and u got to stick to your guns.

U need to move away from the familyÌý Ìý that is good advice and your first step
Listen to Joe and Okie boyÌý Ìý Ìýthis is asiaÌý Ìý Ìý giving is weaknessÌý Ìý Ìý u must be firmÌý Ìýu must stick to your gunsÌý and u are no ones atm cardÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý
concentrate on your new familyÌý Ìý Ìý
Dont wait for threats or things to get out of controlÌý Ìýmove now and dont think about it
Best piece of advice u are going to get hereÌý Ìý listen to these guysÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý we have allÌý lived breathed and seen and heardÌý Ìý
plusÌý if u are living somewhereÌý Ìý Ìýwhere u are hearingÌý gun shots everydayÌý Ìý Ìýthen u areÌý in the wrong part of this countryÌý and its time for uÌý to consider that also

i agree 100% WITH YOU

Thatawesomeguy wrote:

lots of very very goodÌý information hereÌý Ìýbut alsoÌý Ìýlets not forgetÌý that if your wife had of married a a pinoyÌý Ìý the mommentÌý they got marriedÌý Ìýher debt to the familyÌý and her responsibility is overÌý Ìý Ìý your new family and your lifeÌý beginsÌý Ìýand if u can help a littleÌý every now and thenÌý Ìý thats fineÌý ÌýbutÌý no meansÌý noÌý and u got to stick to your guns.

U need to move away from the familyÌý Ìý that is good advice and your first step
Listen to Joe and Okie boyÌý Ìý Ìýthis is asiaÌý Ìý Ìý giving is weaknessÌý Ìý Ìý u must be firmÌý Ìýu must stick to your gunsÌý and u are no ones atm cardÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý
concentrate on your new familyÌý Ìý Ìý
Dont wait for threats or things to get out of controlÌý Ìýmove now and dont think about it
Best piece of advice u are going to get hereÌý Ìý listen to these guysÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý we have allÌý lived breathed and seen and heardÌý Ìý
plusÌý if u are living somewhereÌý Ìý Ìýwhere u are hearingÌý gun shots everydayÌý Ìý Ìýthen u areÌý in the wrong part of this countryÌý and its time for uÌý to consider that also

Good luck Pedro, hope it all works out. The people here are really giving you great advice. Let us know what happens I think we are all curious to see what happens with your story. Any changes you made so far? Or are things going better, and what did you do that made it work out?

Cheers

This aspect of our culture is extremely embarrassing and I personally hate it. There are many great advises in this thread and I hope you will all be successful in implementing them

Pedro1986 wrote:

I'm feeling a little bit depressed lately. It has been since the beginning already, but I'm really starting to dislike/hate it that I'm sometimes doubting if I'm starting to hate the family.

My wife is Filipina and the longer the more her family just relies on us to pay everything for them. Bills, school for the sister, food, transportation and extra allowance. Why is that so here in the Philippines? Why don't people do fist everything that they can do to earn their money before they ask?

Why don't I want to pay? Because I want to save up. I have a church wedding soon, I want to buy a car, I want to buy a house and I want to save up for my future and the future of my future kids. Here, if I give money it's always immediately gone.

My wife's mom doesn't earn a lot, but than again, she doesn't work a lot. She was offered an extra job, but she rejected 'because it's too difficult.' Too difficult? You're a mom and you have a daughter that still studies. You are obliged! You chose for it.

My wife's dad died already. A sad story, but it brought a lot of money in the family due to a life insurance. In half a year or something, the money was gone. New cellphones; working on the house that wasn't necessary before apparently, ...

My question is: What can I do to make them see that I (we) am not responsible for them. I have my own family (me, my wife, our future kids) that we have to save for and are responsible for.

My promise for later: I will NEVER ask money from my children. Children are not to make profit or as security for later. I'd rather work on a garbage field or kill myself than lowering myself to the level of asking (expecting) money from my children.

Whatever is harsh here, please allow me for now. My head is bursting from bad thoughts, so this post is already filtered. Wordt thought: I'd rather step out of this family if that's the only way.

RUN!!RUN!! RUN!! As far as you can...Sounds like a bunch of BS on your wife's family...I made it clear to my wife I would not be anyones cash cow...However, I did volunteer(My Idea)to help a couple of times like spending $500 to remove cataracts from her 92 year old grandmother who was blind for five years, who can now see 20/20..and getting dentures for her mother... Now most of her relatives consider me a brother or son for doing so and as a result never ask of me anything...As a matter of fact when we visit I take a few chickens and in return they give me 5 to 10 kilos of peanuts and many variety of fruits when we leave.. Everyone is happy...

You're young so get it together and raise your own family and learn to say f*#k off to others even at the expense of a temporary relationship problem with your spouse...

Good Luck..

expatfever wrote:

Pedro1986 wrote:

Thanks dkcape. My mom already asked me to move back to Belgium. Actually, I just want to say what I want to say, but my wife doesn't want me to. Eventhough that's the only way to get them to understand.

For me, asking for money is giving away your pride. But what pride? Everything in Philippines is already Chinese or America, so what should they be proud about ;-)

Hmmmm, That's just the way it is here. I go buy the philosophy, " Give a man a fish feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and feed him for life." That's why I never give money to the beggers. Unless they have some kind of physical or mental defect that prevents them from working.

Ìý Ìý If you continue to stay here I would recommend giving them advise next time they ask for money. That way you save face,and they'll learn to either accept your advise or stay away from you.
Never I repeat NEVER let anyone except your wife how much money you actually have or make.

Ìý Ìý I see the same thing in the USA if you go there you'll only see whites and black beggars. Weird since people from China and Mexico come to the US all the time and don't even speak English yet they can find jobs. It's just laziness bro I'm sure you got the same thing in your country if you think about it. Here it's just on a larger scale. Every family has some bums in it.

Good luck Bro. Hope this helps.

Expatfever...You say only let your Filipina spouse "know how much you have"...LOL...I say never but never, especially her know exactly what you have if you don't want everyone in her family to know especially if she acts to be the social climber type...Just let her know you make enough to give you both a comfortable living and keep her in the dark as to what you really have until you're together for a minimum of 5 year...

Coming from a guy who has been in and out of the courts 3 times and never took a beating...

Take Care Bro

all great adviceÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý Ìýto be honest pedroÌý i have left some good women here because of familyÌý Ìý Ìý Ìýu know the saying hereÌý Ìýu marry the filipina and the familyÌý Ìý Ìýso no matterÌý how farÌý u runÌý Ìý Ìýthis shit will continue to hauntÌý u

U could take a standÌý ÌýhellÌý i wouldÌý Ìýa big Feck off is allÌý i would ever sayÌý ÌýbutÌý hey thats meÌý Ìý Ìýand i aint no onesÌý hand out.
there are some greatÌý great people here mateÌý Ìý Ìý ÌýbutÌý when it comes to familyÌý Ìý Ìýno matter whatÌý they come firstÌý Ìýu come secondÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý Ìý now i am generalizing a bitÌý Ìý Ìýif u met my gfÌý Ìýu wouldÌý be likeÌý ÌýwellÌý she isnt like thatÌý Ìý ÌýthatÌý is trueÌý Ìýso farÌý she isnt broÌý Ìý Ìý Ìý noteÌý i saidÌý so far.....Ìý Ìý Ìývetreat saying waitÌý 5 yearsÌý wellÌý i agreeÌý on thatÌý and it sounds like way to many headaches andÌý red flags to me

I used to have a sayingÌý Ìýthree red flagsÌý andÌý u are gone.....Ìý these daysÌý i stick to one red flagÌý and its overÌý Ìý ÌýasÌý sure as shitÌý Ìýthe other twoÌý will just be around the corner....

ifÌý u are already marriedÌý well take a realÌý bloody good look at your futureÌý Ìýand wether or notÌý u want thisÌý Ìýevery bloody day week month year.....Ìý ÌýbecauseÌý whateverÌý u are facing nowÌý Ìý lolÌý thats just the start of itÌý Ìý

omgÌý Ìý RUN RUN RUN to the power of infinity

yes i agree 3 to 5 years should let you know a pinays real intentions,as for me marraige is out the door,non existence for me and my personal convictions,the truth will always come out
.

Hi, I use to do so:
Because it is the way here to take care of parents and also to help the Youngs in paying for school, speak with your wife about the amount of money she would need to do that. Give her a monthly budget for that purpose and disconnect of the story. After, as said before, do what your heart command. For example after speaking with a young who was selling goods in the street in the evening to pay for school during the day, I went to the school and I paid for one year...
All in all I will never forget that after spending 35 years in France in meeting women that are never satisfied with what you are, who are selfish, arrogant, expensive and much more, I find here a wonderful woman who teach me what is unconditional love. So because in fact she is a treasure, I like to embrace her way of living.

Thank you latitude23,
I am a Filipina and I understand all your concern, this culture of us a bit ashamed, but on the other way it's kinda paying it forward. I advise you all to be selective on which your money goes. For those allowances, food and just routinary expenses, let it be handled and clear it from the beginning that you and your wife are not obliged on it, instead allow them to earn for a living. You may provide them a little start up capital if they have the capacity to begin a small business. But you have to make it clear that you will only give them only one chance, for them to support their daily needs.
If it is into education like tuition and you think they are worth every of your penny, why not try to share some, in that way, it can also help others in return.
I am a Filipina and I understand and see also both the positive and the negative of our culture.
I did the following since both of my parents have the strength on business, I provide them 20k for small sari2 store and for almost two years still now exists and it's expanding. I also tap some scholarship provider for my deserving cousins, in that way I help them but not necessarily out of my own pocket.
Try to weigh everything.

Hope this advise can help you with your problem.

Regards,

hi I read your blog, and im so sorry for what is happening to you and your wife's family.
I can advice that you should tell the family what is in your heart and mind, that you have to save up for your own family.
don't give up on your wife and your dreams with her. just tell her family and don't let your wife suffer. don't leave her. I know you love her:)
hope this could help to clear up you heart:)

Hi Pedro, you need to tell your concern to your wife and make her understand your point. Don't try to say it directly to your family's wife as it might cause you trouble. Explain to your wife the pros and cons if you continue on giving her family what they need. And if she agrees with you, let her deal with her family.

I would disagree with posts here that when u marry Filipina, u marry their family. It's not nice to generalize. My family never ask even single peso from my husband. I would suggest that before you marry any Filipina, know more about their family as that will affect your future relationship with her. If you go with girls who are making a living for their family, chances are you might do it for her family too.

There's alot of good Filipinas here, educated and from good earning families. It's best if you guys look for this kind of women to save that headache

You should have an honest heart-to-heart talk with your wife.Ìý Tell her your concern: that you want to save money for your future, and that giving the parents money for their bills hinders that goal.
Ìý
Ask your wife about her life growing up.Ìý Did her parents / family go through a lot of sacrifice to get her to college so she can have a decent job, and now she feels she owes them (at least for the sister's schooling)?

In the Philippines, many earn just enough to survive. Usually, couples have 3 or more children, whose ages are not far apart. So there could be several kids going to college at the same time. So those who have already finished college are expected to pitch in for their younger siblings' education. Also, most parents have not saved up for retirement in order to pay for their children's education, which is why they live with their children or get support from them or both in their golden years.

This has been part of Filipino culture, and I support this up to a certain degree, especially with deserving and hardworking parents. It really pains me to see elderly citizens begging in the streets or foraging through garbage. And it's great to see that all the siblings have finished college and can be self-supporting.

What I don't support is when able-bodied parents decide go on early or semi- "retirement" and ask for money from their child or children for bills they used to pay, especially if their child married someone whom they think has money, such as a foreigner like you. If this is the case, then tell your wife that she, not you, talk to her mother about the problem. Let your wife deal with her family. Since you, I suppose, are the main breadwinner, you should have control over the budget and how much to give to your wife. What ever negative comments you hear from the inlaws, just ignore them.

I disagree with the comments here that if you marry a Filipino / Filipina, you marry their tribe. For me, whomever you marry, whatever nationality he / she has, you marry into his / her situation. For example, if you marry someone who has credit card debt or has a huge student loan, you marry into her situation, i.e., you might have to forego that new car purchase to pay off high-interest credit card debt. Or perhaps you have to wait to buy your own house until you get a raise or get promoted because your significant other has $100k+ in student loans.Ìý In your case, you married into someone who has to at least help her sibling go through college. How you want to deal with it is up to you.

My husband's situation is different from yours. My Filipino parents are in their mid 60's. But they would never ask me or my husband for money for their bills.Ìý (But then again, they're far from being without money.) In fact, I, my husband, and my 2 kids all live with them rent free. (They have a spacious house.) They insisted on it so we could save up for building our own house. (We do pay for our share on utilities and food.) They great help in taking care of our children and supervising the nannies when my husband and I are at work.

I rent my store's stall from them. And when they notice that there's not much sales or customers' payments have not yet come in, they'd ask me if I want to delay paying the rent.

In the future, if my parents would need our help and would want to or might need to live with us when we have our own house, my husband and I would take them in in a heart beat. In our future house, we're putting the guest bedroom on the ground floor, just in case my parents do want to live with us, so it won't be difficult for them to go up the stairs. They're great and loving parents, and grandparents too.

FilAmericanMom wrote:

You should have an honest heart-to-heart talk with your wife.Ìý Tell her your concern: that you want to save money for your future, and that giving the parents money for their bills hinders that goal.
Ìý
Ask your wife about her life growing up.Ìý Did her parents / family go through a lot of sacrifice to get her to college so she can have a decent job, and now she feels she owes them (at least for the sister's schooling)?

In the Philippines, many earn just enough to survive. Usually, couples have 3 or more children, whose ages are not far apart. So there could be several kids going to college at the same time. So those who have already finished college are expected to pitch in for their younger siblings' education. Also, most parents have not saved up for retirement in order to pay for their children's education, which is why they live with their children or get support from them or both in their golden years.

This has been part of Filipino culture, and I support this up to a certain degree, especially with deserving and hardworking parents. It really pains me to see elderly citizens begging in the streets or foraging through garbage. And it's great to see that all the siblings have finished college and can be self-supporting.

What I don't support is when able-bodied parents decide go on early or semi- "retirement" and ask for money from their child or children for bills they used to pay, especially if their child married someone whom they think has money, such as a foreigner like you. If this is the case, then tell your wife that she, not you, talk to her mother about the problem. Let your wife deal with her family. Since you, I suppose, are the main breadwinner, you should have control over the budget and how much to give to your wife. What ever negative comments you hear from the inlaws, just ignore them.

I disagree with the comments here that if you marry a Filipino / Filipina, you marry their tribe. For me, whomever you marry, whatever nationality he / she has, you marry into his / her situation. For example, if you marry someone who has credit card debt or has a huge student loan, you marry into her situation, i.e., you might have to forego that new car purchase to pay off high-interest credit card debt. Or perhaps you have to wait to buy your own house until you get a raise or get promoted because your significant other has $100k+ in student loans.Ìý In your case, you married into someone who has to at least help her sibling go through college. How you want to deal with it is up to you.

My husband's situation is different from yours. My Filipino parents are in their mid 60's. But they would never ask me or my husband for money for their bills.Ìý (But then again, they're far from being without money.) In fact, I, my husband, and my 2 kids all live with them rent free. (They have a spacious house.) They insisted on it so we could save up for building our own house. (We do pay for our share on utilities and food.) They great help in taking care of our children and supervising the nannies when my husband and I are at work.

I rent my store's stall from them. And when they notice that there's not much sales or customers' payments have not yet come in, they'd ask me if I want to delay paying the rent.

In the future, if my parents would need our help and would want to or might need to live with us when we have our own house, my husband and I would take them in in a heart beat. In our future house, we're putting the guest bedroom on the ground floor, just in case my parents do want to live with us, so it won't be difficult for them to go up the stairs. They're great and loving parents, and grandparents too.

Your husband is lucky...I myself was fortunate to find a beautiful 31 year old Filipina wife with a college degree and no children...Her mother, sisters and brothers are all farmers of their own land and being such normally don't need any help unless a typhoon were to wipe out their crops...Her mother came and stayed with us until our first child was born and one month beyond and never asked for anything, but I volunteered to have her teeth fixed...I also volunteered to remove cataracts from my wifes 92 year old blind but healthy grandmother and as a result; today she sees 20/20...Now the entire family calls me son or brother and never asked for anything...In fact when we visit; upon our departure they give us 5 to 10 kilos of their crops, various fruits and we are always made to be welcomed there... Never do I feel as if I am someones benefactor...Our next child is due in January and my mother-in-law will come in December to help with our 1 year old and cleaning...I love her family because they have so much pride(Igorot Tribe), are hard working and very caring people...When her mother becomes to old to work any longer she will be most welcomed in our home...

However, I have an Aussie neighbor who has himself in a nightmare...He just finished building a very nice home and from what I understand only his wife's mother and sister were supposed to move in with them...But to his surprise; her 2 brothers, another sister, two of their spouses and 5 children have moved in also...He has to keep going back to Australia to make more money to make ends meet...I think he is not happy with the situation but loves his wife and children and doesn't have the heart to tell them to leave not realizing in a few years when he will retire he will have taken on more than he bargained for...Myself, I could never put myself in such a precarious situation...

Good Luck to all of you Expats who have found yourself in a similar mess...Hope this will help some not to take the same road as my neighbor has...

Firstly, you need to make sure that your wife is not in on it and that you are both on the same page, if so then you simply stop giving... we need to realize that those who are asking survived quite fine without us around. It's wrong but they do it because its easy and it works... have you not fallen for this trap already? So why would they stop asking if you keep giving.

You need to learn to say no... you cannot afford it, like you said you have your needs, dreams and vision for your own future so you tell them no... because you need the money for other things so it is not spare money. Many filipinos think that money is neverending for foreigners, but do you think they will be there to support u and your wife n kids if the money runs out? nope!

Be strong and explain to them nicely that you dont have any spare money for them, that your money is just enough to support your own family and advise them other options of getting money every time they ask just keep advising them how to help themselves n they will soon get sick of it lol